Sunday, August 28, 2011 — Sad and joyful last words

I have to admit that I am sad to be bringing this journal to an end. But I have a strong tendency to follow my instincts and they tell me the time has come. So follow I shall. I am so indebted to all of you who have helped me from the moment Skip entered Sutter Medical Center, through those unbelievable next weeks and months and on to this moment. I will never forget all the thoughtful checking in and support that has come my way while my spirits were mending and working their way toward developing a reasonable perspective. Thank you all, family and friends, for the huge support you have given me over the last year. I owe my sanity to you and I love you all.

This beautiful, blue skied Sunday I have various choices of things to work on or go out and experience. Lolli is still in town and it is tempting to go to Mendocino and play boule in order to see her one more time before she leaves tomorrow for Seattle to resume care of her mother. She hasn't had time to see hardly anyone twice let alone three times, so it might just be too much for her to have me show up at the game. Kidding, Lolli.

I've decided to write this last entry and then go to Kelly House Museum in Mendocino and hear a little talk on the subject of the Tregoning family's history on the Mendocino coast. They evidently arrived in the area in the 1800s and have a long and interesting story of existence in Mendocino, Caspar and Fort Bragg. Since Greg Tregoning (nephew of Stuart Tregoning) was the builder of our FROG (functional rooms over garage), I have a personal interest in hearing a bit of the family lore. Should be an illuminating program.

Last night I went with friends up to the Westport Hotel for dinner and to listen to Peter Gealey and group. Base, drums and piano. Nice sound in that venue. A thoroughly enjoyable evening. We talked a lot about books we're reading or have recently read. Some good book trades to look forward to. I have read almost half of a book by a major force in the early conservative Christian movement, Frank Schaeffer. Sex, Mom and God. A thoroughly good rundown on the developments that have led to the present state of affairs in our country. Shaeffer is the real deal who participated along with his Dad and all the big names and who now feels free, and probably compelled to tell all. He's a really facile writer and has an unstoppable sense of humor. The discussions he used to have with his missionary mother while living in Switzerland will definitely keep you awake as she constantly refers to God's will and her husband's needs that must be satisfied every night of the week. Set this kind of revelation along side of all the hands on history of the Evangelical movement and you have a pretty interesting picture full of contrast. Certainly a fascinating read.

I'm going to pause here so I don't go too fast and get it wrong. Battery running out and time to head south for the history event. Back to finish this last entry in the evening at my leisure. Love you all. —The Kelly House event was very informal and quite interesting especially the questions and answers. It's amazing how many local families have actually been in this beautiful area for more than five or six generations. I am struck by how often it is through the female members of families that local history can be traced. Do you suppose that women have actually long appreciated living here a tad more than men?

Several weeks ago I was contacted by the Kennedy Publishing Co. to see if I would like to participate in a book on mixed media. They had seen my Corn Oblique and invited me on the basis of that work. I decided to accept the invitation and am including the pieces that I sent them in this last entry. It's the kind of work I'm hoping to get back to when the last of this Pacific Textile Arts building project is completed and we'll all be free to resume making art. Our Maiz exhibit is now on line within the American Tapestry Alliance web site. Go to exhibitions and then Maiz. The Tapestry Weavers West site is also coming along. Go to tapestryweaverswest.org and then Gallery to see some of our latest work. Jean Pierre and Yael are working their way up here from Berkeley Tuesday and will spend the night in the FROG. They will be driving up to Canada with the Maiz exhibit for one last showing in Parksville, BC. They'll also be doing a workshop and then it would seem that they'll be racing back in time to do a cutting off of their own work just after the middle of the month. Thinking of them brings a deep nostalgia for the ten years of their retreat workshops in El Tuito, Mexico that some of us have been privileged to attend. They won't be doing it this next winter and I hope having the time to themselves will mark the beginning of a whole new creative era for them personally. They have brought me so many special, poetic moments. I am deeply appreciative of that.

Tapestry Weavers West members will be gathering here for meeting and several days retreat at the end of September. Then, before I know it, The Kumihimo Festival will be gathering here with Rodrick Owen from Oxford, England for five days of concentrated Japanese and Peruvian braiding. I'll be making soups for that event as usual so I'm beginning to think about the menu. This is always a week to remember. Early next year I will spend a month in Oaxaca and several weeks in the Puerto Vallarta area, including Yelapa. I'm looking forward to that.

And so, Dear Ones, I could go on all night about how much you all mean to me, from my colleagues in Canada to friends in Mexico and every one of you friends and family in between. You've all helped me to navigate past so many obstacles and you've helped me to find my way to where I am now. I think I'm ready to face whatever lies ahead for me. I have so much to be grateful for and there's no doubt that I owe the biggest thanks to the lovely man I was privileged to share so much of my life with.

The blog will probably remain online for a short time longer. Wish me luck and please stay in touch. You are the reason that I'm feeling so healthy and willing now to face whatever waits for me around the corner. Abrazos to you all.

Friday, August 26, 2011 — I love surprises

I think if it weren't for the surprises in life, I wouldn't find things as interesting and as challenging as I do. Of course there are the tragic, unwished for events, but that's not what I refer to. It's the everyday little things that bring sudden endorphins your way that I'm thinking of. I was on my way to the health club yesterday to do my laps and the trip along Franklin Street seemed like a funny movie. I turned the corner by Down Home Foods and there on the sidewalk was a handsome grey haired man doing a little tap dance routine with a very tiny little girl I took to be his granddaughter. I slowed way down to see as much as possible. It was a regular mini competition going on between this sturdy man, performing lightfootedly while the little one copied each move. Both had vibrant smiles on their faces. Because of cars behind me, I reluctantly moved on and they were soon out of sight. But I still had the smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart.

I kept going and when I approached the street by the Safeway parking lot, I slowed down again because there was a man slightly into the crosswalk. I still burst out laughing just thinking about the sight I was treated to. He had some sort of a grey jump suit on .... something approaching a combination hazmat and astronaut suit. He was sporting large earphones, other wires with unexplained uses and a prominent mouthpiece speaker microphone that he was obviously talking into. His eyes lit up when he saw me and I felt as if he was putting on a special one man performance for me, a one woman audience. He looked sublimely happy and self absorbed. I again had to keep going when he made it across the street and I laughed the whole two blocks left before turning in to the health club. I just sat there thinking about why it was so funny to me that I couldn't stop laughing. Who knows? As I checked in and received my towels, I still could hardly keep from laughing. That must have struck the attendant as a little strange, but he kept his cool and didn't let on.

The pool was a perfect temperature. Only three other people in the water. They included my favorite little Latina, Iris. She is now two years old but I've been watching her since she was only a few weeks old. Her family spends at least four or five late afternoons/early evenings there and it's been such fun watching this little girl grow from an infant to a very independent little person who rules the roost. I sometimes hear her really letting loose while I'm taking my shower. She's going to be a great swimmer judging by the power of her lungs. Anyway this day was a red letter turning point in her water experience. Until now, her beautiful Mama has carried her gently and protectively back and forth in the water and received her from the steps as she bravely jumped into her mother's arms from a short distance of sixteen inches or so. She's definitely a spunky little one who is sooooo comfortable in the water. This day I suddenly realized that she was gliding along in the water, out of the reach of her mother's arms. She was wearing a floatation device and looking totally at ease. I waved to her and she broke out in a hugely proud smile and waved back, obviously aware of the awe on my face. Mama was still only a few feet from her but Iris is obviously on her way.

After my laps I drove to Headlands for a Greek Salad and a little music. My friend Gin's brother is in the group that was making the house rock. Steve plays just about everything from kettle drums, accordian, clarinet as well as other horns. The pianist is a jumping, grooving player with a marvelous gravelly voice and this group stirs the whole place. I drove home with the beat still in my ear and was greeted by my sweet canine companions at the gate. How comforting. Latte has tended to follow me around the house a bit more now than earlier and when I'm writing these entries she sleeps peacefully on the other end of the sectional I'm sitting on. At almost sixteen, she sleeps quite a lot these days. But somehow, the minute I rise from the couch, she's up and right behind me. Dogs really know how to pace themselves. I learn something new from them almost every day.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 — The Spaces In Between Get Longer ......

Yes, no matter how often I think about what I'd like to share here or how often I plan to work on an entry at a given time each day ........ time moves on and immediate needs win out over writing. I truly enjoy creating these entries. I love to share my thoughts, taking comfort in knowing there are friends and family out there checking in, and I really appreciate their doing so.

However, I have decided that I will soon bring this blog to an end. I will make just two more entries after this one and retire my writing to a private, personal journal. This month marks the one year anniversary of Skip's death so I think the timing is appropriate. I began writing the day Skip entered the ICU at Sutter Medical Center in Santa Rosa after being airlifted from Fort Bragg Hospital, suffering from a Strep infection gone sepsis. The receiving doctors gave us very little hope for survival from this complete shutdown of the patient's organs. We gathered in Santa Rosa for the fight ahead and Skip eventually made a remarkable recovery before his sudden death. If you are interested, you can find that whole roller coaster story earlier in this blog.

Skip died August 11, 2010 and I decided to continue the blog to let family and friends know how I was coping with this unfathomable loss. It became a very therapeutic avenue for me to pursue. A few readers may believe that I was overly candid in my discussions of grief, mourning and coping with new everyday necessities, but this is obviously the tack that came most naturally to me so that's the way it has gone.

Over this year I've learned so much about loss, about myself and about what community means to a person in my position and state of mind. I am a gregarious human being at heart even though I have definite need for "time alone" to gather my wits and leave room for contemplation. Where I live has had a great deal to do with my learning process. Just about everyone I know believes we live here in a kind of paradise. I subscribe to this outlook. I prefer to be engaged with life rather fully and I find many kindred spirits here. If I feel myself succumbing to loneliness, I need only stop at Headlands Coffee House on the way home from my swim or whatever. People gather there to be with others and also to be alone among others. It is a kind of magnet for touching bases. I am so grateful for its existence. This is a coffee house that sometimes resembles an Algonquin table and sometimes provides amazing "people watching," which you all know I enjoy. Close, good friends come through here as well as casual acquaintances and complete strangers. Everything I read tells me that Headlands provides just that kind of connection that humans require, especially during periods like this year has been for me. Besides that, nobody offers a Greek Salad to compare with theirs.

My trip down from the mountains with two dogs in the car and my kayak on the top was sprinkled with stops to answer my cell or call out regarding my progress or "non-progress." It was bumper to bumper from Echo Lake to Placerville. (Sunday afternoon). By the time I reached Dixon and more traffic, it was apparent that I couldn't arrive in time to meet the family at Jenny and Mike's. That was sad because I so want to see Leah one more time before she leaves for Oberlin. I finally reached Marina Bay at 7:45. I worked my way up 101 the next morning and when I reached the sculptor's house on 128 I heaved a big sigh of relief, feeling that I was entering that magical Mendocino homeland territory. Many things to see along that wondrous rout so full of contrasts. Stopped in Booneville for gas and watched two matching Dachhunds with identical harness/jackets on. How can you keep from smiling at a sight like that? I stopped at Gowans apple orchard to walk my dogs. Met some lovely people including a lady who lives in Fort Bragg who seemed like she would be fun to know. The veluptuous hills through the Anderson Valley are out of this world and the abundant sprinkling of wineries along the road never cease to make changes on their properties which are worth noticing. From the four story water tank at one to the new tasting room at another, I find endless things to take note of.

Next comes the amazing Navarro forest area. There is no way to describe the wonder of that part of the ride. One minute the redwoods rise in unison and darken all the multitude of green shades to be seen in the ground covering flora. Then, suddenly, a piercing shaft of blazing yellow finds its way through the branches to focus a sudden "high key" spotlight on some special little area of ferns and greenery in this magical garden. One surprise after another before you eventually realize that the river is deepening and the estuary has come into sight. Next comes the last turn and rise over the hill and the Pacific Ocean is there before you in all its sparkling glory. I never become tired of that view. It fills me to the brim. The rest of the way home is full of familiar sights that always deserve updating until ......there I am, on the way up the gentle rise to my driveway and my own, personal little paradise.

It took me a few days to get back into the rhythm on the coast which included the inevitable dealing with the accumulated email and the large bundle of snail mail I picked up from the Post Office on the way home. I finally finished painting the second large section of floor finishing in the classroom at PTA and will begin the last main area today. That will leave only the narrower pathways around the edges before it will finally be completed within a week or two. Today is special because Lolli is bringing Ron back to Fort Bragg and we've scheduled a Pacific Textile Arts board meeting for tonight to be followed by dinner with our dear friend and colleague. There'll be much catching up to do before she returns in a week to be with her mother in Seattle. Oh, how we miss her.

And so goes my life. Full of productive and joyful events. Yet I'm still trying to learn to live with this "aloneness." It's a steep learning curve but I'm a survivor and I'm definitely making progress. No small thanks to all of you who check in and make my life so worth living. I'll be back two more times to wind up this trip report before I embark on the private, personal journal that I envision for the future.

Monday, August, 8, 2011 — Echo Lake is still home

I've had a remarkably easy time getting over the return to Echo for the first time since Skip died. I thought it might be more difficult than it has been. Just like my life in Fort Bragg, I find so many old friends who give me nothing but good vibes and support. I'm so grateful. And I'm really glad to be here where we spent so many wonderful days. I think, as we come to the anniversary of Skip's death, that I'm over one more hurdle and ready to begin this next year with hope and openness. We built this cabin together and it holds so many wonderful memories of visiting with friends and facing all kinds of weather.

The lake is getting warmer by the day and I've managed to swim two times a day for the last few days. Giant groups (11-13) of teens have been congregating at the high rock bordering our cove with the purpose of jumping off the various top ledges. That's fine and I wish them well but yesterday made me move on over to the worried old woman department when the whole group began to execute back flips from this spot. Not too smart. The rock leans outward from the jumping off point meaning that they don't have the measure of error they would have from a straight vertical drop or a diving stand or board. I watch from the other side of the cove and hold my breath. One young girl about 15 did it for the first time and then proceeded to do it several more times, she was so stoked. Some of them, including this neophyte landed about one foot from the granite wall at water level. I think that's too close for comfort but there was an adult with them and she didn't seem bothered at all so I held my tongue. I can remember how much I loved acting on those kinds of challenges when I was their age. But now ...........

Life is full of surprises up here and most of them are really positive. Once in a while there will occur an event on the lake that causes a polarization that is sad. I'll get back to that in a few days after I've had a chance to digest all the details.

Cafe Alpina is just about to close so I'll be transferred to the lovely out of doors in a few minutes. No wifi there, so if there is an abrupt ending, be kind.

I'm reading Reantee's book, Entre Nous, and having a hard time putting it down. At first I thought it might be a bit here and there for me but I've worked into her format now and finding it amazingly lyrical. I can hear her say every printed word. It is a fictional memoir and I think that's an excellent description of it. One can almost feel how true it is and yet it is also clear that Reantee's mind and memory are following a path with a sometimes hazy lighting. It's beautiful and I reccommend it highly.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011 — Swimming is brisk

Kathy and I managed to get two swims in yesterday. I would say the late afternoon one was even icier than the morning. Definitely cooler than the day before. But that certainly is an incentive to do more energetic exercises and generally keep moving. The dogs didn't even make a motion to leave the rocks. The wind is down this morning so there is promise of warmer water soon.

Good friends of Mike and Jenny arrived late yesterday afternoon. They are Brits who have lived in the US some time ago and have been living in the south of France most recently. They are evidently planning a move to Paris. They drove all the way up from Los Angeles yesterday, ate dinner and went to bed. We left Echo early this morning to get Elena down to Tahoe for her last tennis lesson so I have yet to see them up close and get a big hug. Thirteen years ago Andrew was visiting us in Fort Bragg and I remember him helping me edit my many pledge drive pleas to fund the possible purchase of our Pacific Textile Arts property. He is a writer and producer and I still credit him with some good advice regarding that early material. Well, he lucked out and has essentially missed the bulk of the current building fund drive.

I'm at Alpina Cafe again. What good people watching. I have a nice little tucked away spot indoors but I can see outside and the newcomers stream by at a distance. I'm such a hopeless eavesdropper. There are several interesting conversations going on quite near me and I find myself actually trying to keep up with both of them while I sit here with my laptop.

I awoke once last night at about 3:00 and read until 4:00. I finished the book I had been reading by the woman Terrie Gross interviewed last Friday while I was driving up to the mountains. Named "Whipsmart." It involved a woman (the author, Melissa Febos), who spent four years working as a dominatrix. I pulled it up on my Kindle while eating a garden burger in Pollock Pines. It's a fascinating description of perversion the likes of which most of us never view. By about half way through I began to feel I'd heard enough. Just too Yuck, and I also began to wonder why Terrie Gross enthused so during her questioning. I finished the book at 4:00 this morning and experienced a complete turnaround in my feeling about it as it came to completion. In the last pages I understood full well why it was worth staying aboard. Amazing breakthroughs take place in this woman's psyche. She is obviously terribly intelligent. But you know how that can be. Many a smart person has trouble seeing the forest for the trees. She makes discoveries about life and its many choices and turnarounds that are worth sharing. So if you have the same urge to quit, I'd say, stick with it.

Another book I just finished is "The Last Restort" by my friend Norma Watkins. It's a memoir of her life growing up in Mississippi during Jim Crow and (so called) after. Very generous in its candor and it rings as true as a bell. My friend Roger said he couldn't put it down. I just received an email from Norma saying that she'd received a rave review from the Washington Post. Yeah! You can buy it at most stores for sure and its also available on Amazon.

I'm now ready to resume reading "Incognito, the Secret Lives of the Brain" by David Eagleman. This isn't necessarily a book for reading straight through but truly a source of so much new information about the amazing workings of the brain. Interestingly enough, the last pages of Whipsmart touch on some of the same tricks our brains play on us. Sometimes life's synergy absolutely amazes me.

Monday, August 1, 2011 — The mountains are full of flowers and snow

I finally made it up to Echo Lake on Friday late afternoon. I had received an email from the editor for the Maiz online exhibit telling me that she needed to have me review the final layout and content in time for an August 1 launching by ATA. I was practically out the door on my way to the Bay Area and I had also received a call telling me that the Mendocino Real Estate magazine was changing its timing and that Andarin needed to write the article about Pacific Textile Arts over the weekend for a Monday submission because another focus article had fallen through. Whew! Lots of reprioritizing needed at that point. I told the ATA editor (Christine Laffer) I'd have to do the final look after I arrived in the mountains. I did do that .... driving to Echo, depositing the dogs and my stuff at the Chalet with Kathy and the kids. Then drove to Stateline where there is a Starbucks with wifi open after 5:00. Just as I was finishing the review of the Maiz show I felt a drop of water on my hand. I finished, closed my laptop and went inside. When I left there was a light rain coming down from some pretty dark clouds and a beautiful rainbow shining over Heavenly Valley. Had a restful trip along the south side of the lake and back up to Echo where the weather held off until we crossed the lake and were safely in the cabin.

Back to the time before the "getaway" ............ I spent all the time I had left getting information to Andarin for the PTA spread. They always do such a good job of featuring an activity I simply could not refrain. I met her for a visit to the newly additioned campus where she took lots of pictures of the Huichol exhibit and the new buildings inside and out. Then we retired to Headlands for some lunch and a crash course regarding textile arts activities on the coast. After that we went to my studio where Andarin took more pictures and I pulled some newsletter files for her to refer to. After she left I had a hollow feeling that she still didn't have enough material for an in depth report, so I scoured my files for more things she could draw from as well as email addresses of the PTA board members who could be contacted after I left town.

Andaren called me at Echo last evening and read the entire content to me through my cell phone, also describing the photos she had settled on. She did a great job. I thought of several important changes and called her at 7:15 this morning. Woke her up. I never call anyone that early but I knew she was also on deadline. She was gracious and just emailed me the changes she had made. Another certified angel. I'll be working on the upcoming newsletter but other than that, I'm all caught up.

Even though some weather was closing in, I went for a swim in the cove with Kathy yesterday afternoon. Icy, but delicious! The dogs did a little testing of the waters but decided it was still a bit cool for their tummies. Latte is adjusting very well despite her arthritis and the fact that she can't hardly hear anything except for the high decibal shouts from other dogs. She still sees well and is amazingly mobile and enthusiastic. It is so good to be up here with Kathy and the kids. Cousin Rick is in the middle cabin and Mike, Leah and Jenny are due to be in theirs sometime today. Larkin has been spending much time sewing pieces of an old windbreaker onto a somewhat fargone sail for the sunfish. I'm impressed. Neighbors brought a delicious cobler over last night and we played some card games I'd never heard of before. Quiddle and Apples to Apples. I have a bit of catching up to do. Lots of laughs and persuasive arguments. Such fun to be here.