Tuesday, November 30, 2010 — On my own with memories

Something I've begun to notice more and more lately as the holidays come and go, is the lack of collective memory. Or, more specifically, I've begun to realize what a large roll collective memory plays in a close relationship. I'm thinking of the couple who fill in with the nods and words for each other in ordinary conversation. I'm sure we're all guilty of various forms of that scenario, but I'm also realizing that it plays a big roll even when there isn't a crowd. Just lying in bed thinking of events and people, there is something missing in terms of fact checking. A kind of validation that I wasn't consciously aware of until now that I don't have it. "When did that take place? Who was it who said that? Where do you suppose we put those......... ?" And so on. It hits pretty hard when you suddenly come to the realization that you're totally working solo with your own fact validations. It's probably a sign of a lack of security on my part. I've never been one to hold back an opinion unless I thought it might be hurtful. Yet I've also always been willing to doubt my convictions or even my own name for the sake of keeping an open mind. Now I feel a sadness for the lack of "knowing" dates, places, events, even names of people who should be a sure bet.

Insecurity. Is it good or bad or does it really matter? I hope it won't seem to matter as much in the future as it does at this moment. It's like what I've always felt about fear, anger or holding a grudge. Those things can incapacitate you in a hurry. This newfound lowering of confidence could do the same thing. Well, as I talk it out with you so "intimately," I am convincing myself that this is a hurdle I need to jump in a hurry. I really can't afford to be incapacitated. Too many things I still need to do, need to try, need to experience. I hope that takes care of that — But I'm not absolutely sure —